Once in a while when someone tells us that they will be our listening ears, we will be so grateful.
We think of ways to pour our hearts in hope for some comfort.
But that doesnt happen in the end. We didnt have enough, courage to utter anything.
Our life goes on. We remain unhappy.
We let time heal our wounds. We find strength in time.
And we tell ourselves, all for a better future.
My wall of defense is too high up.
My big brother, my best friends, they are no longer the same.
I stopped telling them stuffs because I was afraid that they will worry for me. Now they don’t ask anymore.
I’m this lost.
I spent so much time crying, breaking down my wall to just build it up again.
Persuading this dream is getting tougher.
How many nights am I suppose to cry myself to sleep?
I kept reminding myself that this is in God’s plan to go now, reminding myself of the words God spoke to me when I first arrived in brissy.
I don’t want to miss out on my destiny but I’m crashing..
I can’t help but to be very glad that I have an amazing God.
I wonder why would He want to use someone so messed up like me to preacher, to touch the lives of others.
I can’t even help myself. I’m too mean, I discriminate the handicap. I’m too straightforward.
I know my strength, but sometimes I’m too scared.
Tell me what I am suppose to do.
Sometimes I secretly wish that 2012 is really the end of the world, but I clearly know that this isnt.
我开始怀疑当初的决定是否是对的。现在已经不可能回头了。
我很乱，很痛。 但是，我不能说。只能假装没事，假装开心。
Some day if I walked out of the path, this will serve as a painful reminder to push me on.
This is going to be a lengthy post because I want that moment to be imprinted as a vivid memory.
During the altar call on Saturday’s church conference, Vicki Simpsons from C3 Oxford Falls prophesy over me.
It was the first altar call that I got prayed for first and thru the microphone.
“I see you being a preacher. You will preach to many. You will preach in the mission fields. You will preach in many places. Your preaching will influence people.”
Then together with Dr Rob Carmen from USA, they laid hands on me and down to the ground I went.
Dr Rob probably had that same thing. He walked just right over before Vicki called him.
When I was on the ground, God repeated:”Don’t fear” so many times and to stop allowing my disadvantages to discourage me.
I had so many ups & downs in my Christian walk.
I have seen my flaws. They are so bad. I have so many evil thoughts, even up to this point. I always felt so inadequate - I am not outspoken, I bail on church sometimes when I get so busy, I was at all time low before I came, I am so bitchy, my faith leaks so often and the list just goes on.
After so many years, I had my personal revelation of what we often say “God uses the ordinary to do extraordinary things.”
While Vicki was prophesying, my initial reaction was “Are you sure God, you are not kidding me right?”.
I am not of the standards of a pastoral leader yet my destiny was to preach.
I always have the idea that I am going to do background job all my life. I was contented just to see myself not being the missing link. I don’t need the limelight, just an occasion appreciation would be sufficient.
Never in my wildest dream would I imagine myself as a preacher girl. Never.
Just a little sidetrack, I am very grateful to everyone from C3 indooroopilly who was there. Thank you for all the encouragement. Thank you for being so excited for me.
I was reminded of how I first started out in fashion ministry, feeling so inadequate for my lack of skills & creativity. It took me months to break my own mentality and to move on to do so much stuffs in the ministry.
This felt the same. But it’s not going to be.
I am not going to allow my own insecurities to destroy my destiny.
It’s not going to be easy, but I will allow the Potter to mould me.
I am the rocket that is launched. I have went slow, now is the time to accelerate.
God plans are always higher.
In the midst of our daily routine, God gives us little surprises every now and then.
Tonight was a special connect to me out of the fortnightly routine.
God have been speaking to me & putting pictures in me of the things that I will do in future. I am excited but yet a little fearful.
I know that every great vision comes with a high price to pay. I saw the vision….and the price.
While we were doing worship & prayer at the end of our connect tonight, Kelvin prophesy over me..
“I see you being empowered by God to do great things. You are a rocket being launched by God. The rocket goes slowly initially and it goes faster & faster to full speed. God have given you a spirit of faith not a spirit of fear. You are empowered to do great things.”
Those weren’t the exact words or even in order, but it was along that line. I try to be as accurate as I can, but I was in shock & joy at the moment to just receive that vision than to remember it word for word.
I later found out that K actually has this prophecy placed in him for quite some time but he just weren’t sure or didn’t get the chance to do it.
That prophesy was a double confirmation to me.
I have been praying for this, and expecting it to come from a preacher, pastor or in a powerful service. Never did I expect it to come from K. He is the guy whom I have spoke the least in connect. Neither have I shared my life with.
I know this is from God because His presence fell on me and everything clicked. There was peace & faith.
Someday faith might leak.
But today is going to the fall-back point (I can’t remember that word).
And thank you K for obeying God to prophesy over me (:
This is for my fashion girlies in stage production ministry.
As I sat there in connect listening to Anesus preaching about unity, I thought about us.
We are such an unique ministry.
Remember how we used to yell at each other during big days for eyeshadows & eyeliners or to get things done but no one ever replies? Then, we laughed it off during debrief.
We didn’t get offended but that act of everyone. That’s unity.
We have the same goal to finish the task in a short time, to make the performance a success, to touch lives or just for pastors.
Our debriefs have never been very spiritual all the time, we talk about perfecting make-ups or improving our skills.
We were unique in our own ways, in the things we do.
3 months ago, I walked out of my comfort zone - out of those big hugs, out of the friends bother to hack my walls, out of being dependent.
Just as I thought my wall crumpled and I can stop bottoming every thing up, I have to learn it again.
I can’t help but to shut myself.
I have no idea how to tell anyone that I’m not okay.
It’s not that my friendships changed.
But how am I suppose to tell anyone that I am not alright when everyone is already worry that I am in brissy alone.
At the end of the day, I know that God put me thru this for a reason.
To be dependent on Him, and to draw strength from Him..
I was very much in doubt when I first heard God assuring me that aussie was part of His plan. I’m glad i did it anyway. Not just for the degree, but the fact that I trusted God with that little faith I had.
In the past 2 months or so, I have seen God dealing with me more than He ever did. Perhaps this is the only way I can be away from distractions, pulled away people that I can be dependent on so I can solely depend on Him and to quieten my heart to forgive & learn.
It wasn’t easy to be in a brand new place, have new church mates & pastors who only said hi & bye. I have since learnt commitment in a brand new way. I have seen a little more of the dark side. I’m breaking out of my comfort zone every day.
I went down but God pulled me up. God’s mercy is on me everyday. I have seen so much of God’s words coming to pass. I’m glad that God is still using me, even if it is just in the little ways. To love, to hope, to inject faith. I know one day my little actions will be amplify, with God. My hands, they will do what they are purposed to do, and they will glorify my heavenly Father.
When all else fades, You remain..
HWEEYEE
I'm not sane. I do crazy things.
